One Big Happy Family, NOT! cont...

The extended family came down to Mexico in two waves. I, with a friend, and my two sons. Then following us was Jack, Julia, and my daughter. They stayed behind to make sure the moving van had been packed. Jack and I were renting our house out so he needed to stay behind to make sure it was in immaculate condition. The first few weeks in Mexico were extremely friendly, at first. I went around the house as if it were still mine. My bedroom was separate from the main section of the house so I needed to go outside and then enter. I came and went freely. I did none of the cooking or cleaning although I offered many, many times. Julia didn't want me to invade her new territory and I failed to see that. I also failed to see that I still had not accepted their new marriage and how she was trying to create a home for themselves there and I was a intruder. Our conversations were polite and casual. But tensions in the house began without me noticing or having any knowledge of what I was doing wrong. Julia began having anxiety attacks and bouts of stress, she spun downhill. One night I wanted to get my own kids ready for bed, showers, teeth brushing, and pajamas. She barged into the bathroom and told me to get the hell out of her house. She said I was disrespecting her space and that she was the primary caretaker now of my children. I was appalled at what I was hearing. That was the first of many shouting matches that we have had. Then another night I was sitting next to jack at the counter in the kitchen when I spotted a hair on his face. I instinctively pulled It off and thought nothing of  it except to get it off of his face. Another time when we, oops, when they, had guests, I wanted to get jack's attention so I tapped his knee. That night Julia screamed at me for disrespecting her house and her marriage, and how Jack is her husband not mine anymore. That was the second shouting match we had. I felt like. She has an uncanny way of making someone feeling like complete shit for doing something as benign as pulling hair off of Jack's face. So what, big "F"ing deal. After that I was getting lectures about everything. I didn't need a 30 something year old pole dancer dictating my life. She was making our living arrangements very difficult for me. I wound up spending most of my time in my room or outside in the cold with my kids. I would eat in the kitchen with everyone else but then disappear again. I didn't know what my kids were thinking, with me not being around anymore to take care of them. Julia just stepped into my shoes and stepped on me.

One big happy family, NOT!

The move to Mexico went fairly smoothly. I had just had spinal fusion back surgery so there was very little I could do to help pack up the house for the long journey. Julia of all people came day after day to go through my things, personal things, making decisions with my soon to be ex-husband on what was going to Mexico, what was going to be sold in a garage sale, and what was going in a garbage heap. I couldn't physically do anything to help and my voice was mute. Those two didn't care what my opinion was. If they didn't want it to go, it didn't. I didn't assert myself I just took it up the proverbial butt-crack. It was very difficult watching this younger version of me, touching my things, making my decisions for me, and about to be scooping up my husband. That was the beginning of my madness. But, I was determined to like this woman what ever it took. My kids really liked her and she was going to be their step-mom, so I had to force myself to like her. It was hard knowing how her and Jack snuck around behind my back for so long. More tomorrow.

The Beginning of Hell

So... in November 0f 2008, Me, my-ex husband, his new wife, and my children move to Baja, under the roof of what used to be my house. A little awkward! Jack and Julia married 1 month after he and I divorced, so you have to deduce that he was seeing her at some point during our marriage. However, they also knew each other prior to our marriage as well. Jack and I dated for about 8 years prior to getting married. Things didn't always go well and we split for a couple of months. It was during this time that he met Julia. It was at a strip club where she was working. Why she was working there I have no idea, she had a Masters in finance or something like that, so she put it to good use by pole dancing. Their fling lasted about 3 months when she left him but not before she became pregnant. She kept that a secret, one that would surface many years later to my shock. Sounds a little bit like a soap opera? This was the beginning of many lies and shocking behavior that would eventually lead to the collapse my our marriage. It was always my intention after the divorce to keep the family as close as possible, physically and emotionally. I hated the idea of having a bitter, ugly situation where the kids get stuffed in the middle of all the adults poor choices. So you are probably asking why the hell am I blogging all of this personal crap? I need to get it all out before I absolutely lose my mind. I need to put all that has happened to me in perspective. I can't keep dong this journaling in written form. Perhaps feedback, if this gets any attention, will be welcome. So back to Julia. She had her baby without the knowledge of Jack and disappeared from Jack's life until the year before he and I divorced but I did not know any of this. At least they waited until I was ready to divorce the man anyway to tell me what was going on. She had the baby and had the nerve to give her the same name as me. I always wondered why she chose to do this. I don't care how much she liked my name, and she certainly didn't know me,it was just bizzare. When Jack found out about her baby she was already 8 years old, the same age as my son. So that means that they were seeing each other right  up until the time Jack and I got married because I got pregnant immediately after our marriage. The timing fit too well.  I have to stop now. I really thought I was over this emotional crap but this is still effecting me.

I am an Internet Idiot and the begining

I've been spending the better half of today trying to figure out how to view my Blog on the Web and why no one on Blogger.com can find my posts. I am doing something terribly wrong. So I just am going to keep posting 'til I get this figured out. I opened an account with fatcow thinking that if I had a Web page then I could post my Blog to that. I had no idea what I was doing and I most likely spent about $200.00 on something I will never figure out. Welcome to my private hell. Went to the beach today at 1st point where the waves are more manageable for the kids. It was cold and windy and the water was above chilly. Watching my son up on the stick catching the faces rather then biting white H20, made my freezing my little rump off all the worthwhile. Waves were knee high and long the way the waves in San Juanico are usually. A few friends came down to look at the waves, some wandered in and some stood watching, contemplating wandering in, while others just contemplated and went home. It was that kind of day. I sat contemplating if I wanted to enjoy watching my kids or watch my kids and dwell on my current condition. I chose the latter unfortunately. So what is my current condition? I guess I would have to start at the beginning, not the very beginning. Like I said in my earlier posts I have been here In San Juanico, Mexico for the better part of a year and a half. When I first moved here I began a journal on Valentines day 2009. I made my move here November 2008. Much has happened between those two dates so that is where I will begin. I sat basking in the sunlight of my rental house on Valentines day one week before what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Instead, I was in Baja, Mexico, living alone a few blocks from my ex-husband, his new young wife, and my three children. We no longer lived in California. We adults mutually agreed that Mexico would be a great place to raise our kids, keep the two quasi families intact and in close proximity. My divorce arrangement was 50% of all assets and 50% custody of my kids. What better way to share custody of my kids when they only live 1/4 of a mile from both parents and even less to one of the most popular long-boarding spots in the world. Jack, my then husband, and I already had the house so that made the move even easier. Except that it wasn't my house any longer. It was Jack and Julia's. I had the children on certain designated days, ones the Jack and Julia felt was in their best interest and I had them the remaining days. The irony of all of this is that when I did not have them I missed them to the point of pain and when I had them it with me it was evident that I was terribly incapable of raising them. When they were away from me I wanted to know what they were doing, where they were, how they were feeling, and if they missed me as much as I missed them. I lived right across the street from the school where they attended and where I could hear all the children play, and sing, and laugh. I would try and listen for my own children's shouts and laughter and sometimes I swore that I did I was so desperate to be with them. I was not separated from them for long. Schools in Mexico lasted a mere four hours a day. They walked to school at 8 a.m., and had lunch at 10 a.m. All parents were required to drop-off lunches by 10 a.m. everyday. My kids had just had breakfast 2 hours prior to that. They were not hungry but they would be made fun of if they didn't have a aren't bring by a lunch. I provided the lunch and Jack and Julia housed the children and provided the daily care. It was not always that way. The arrangement that Jack, Julia, and I made for living before we moved to Mexico was that I would live at what used to be my house and stay their until could find a house of my own or for at least a year. We all left for Mexico on very good terms and then everything went wrong, very wrong. But this requires a whole new post. I would have to tell you about who Julia is and how she and my ex-husband met and how their relationship grew without me even knowing about it. My first hoodwink.

Yea for Pizza

Felt like a grown-up tonight. Went to the only American stlye food service place otherwise known as a quasi restaurant, pizza. Kids on their absolute best behavior and I got to spend time with other adults without having to round the kids up every 5minutes. Pizza place was closed for the last 7 weeks and since I hate Mexican food I have been without adult group socialness for a long time. It looked like everyone else in this little Gringo town had the same idea. I got drunk just waiting for a table. Tonight was just another reminder of what I hate about being here. People get all jazzed about pizza opening and I can get that and would want to get that any time I want in the good ole U.S. of A. Pizza is no big deal, its the socialness that makes it special to these people, and I can see why being couped up during the cold water and no wave season. Pizza brings them together. Most everyone was a bit looped before they even got there, it was a merry crowd. I made my rounds to those who I new intimately. I am quite shy around people who I don't know that well and it would be in my best interest to go out there and meet more people considering how lonely I am. I have been passing the same people by month after month, day after day, saying hello and still not knowing anyones name. My eyes cross when I am faced with trying to remember someones name on the spot. As much complaining as I do about being lonely and bored here in San Juanico I sure do not make much of an effort to get out there. Is it this place or is it me is what I have to decipher.

Been sitting here in Baja for the better part of a year with the promise of it being Paradise. I've been hoodwinked! So far I've realized that I can't stand the food and that the fact that I can't speak a word of Spanish is causing severe problems personally and legally. I've lost 25 pounds since being here and realize that a good way to lose weight is to move to a country where you hate the food. Not that I couldn't stand to loose a few extra 4 year old pregnancy pounds. I also realized very quickly that Mexicans love their beer, dances, and any excuses to put the two together. I started chronicling all of my thoughts and emotions and experiences when I first arrived, in written form, due to the fact that you have to jump through hoops of fire to get Internet service here. Welcome to Baja, the land where everything is 1000% more difficult.It is about a month away from what should be my 11th wedding anniversary. Last year at this time I was writing in my journal that it was a a week from my 10th wedding anniversary and if you had told me at that time, that I would be sitting in Baja Mexico, with my ex-husband, his new wife and my three children living in a house about a half a mile from me, I would have said you need to have a few screws put back in your head. One year later a lot has changed. I am in Baja with one of my kids while the ex and his wife are in Las Vegas with my two other children, you will find out how we all got here but, it will take some time.This Blog thing is all new to me. I suppose it is like journaling but with more pizazz. I am in awe at the professionalises of a lot of Bloggers in Blog-World. I signed up for my page and I had no idea there were URLs and HTMLs and how to edit or publish or add contents and profiles. I am afraid to post tonight's writing for fear of the regrets I may have putting "It all out there" for all to see. I am having difficulty trying to figure out how to edit the content of my entries. I know that I can figure things out pretty quickly on my own, but being away from the Internet for other than using it for searching for content and E-mail, its all pretty new to me. I've heard of Facebook and MySpace and now Blogging and there is something called Twitteriing but I am definitely afraid to enter that domaine. Tomorrow I will give it a go at giving my page a more personal touch. I have a Webcam but there is no way in frozen hell that I am plastering my face out there. Anonymity is fine with me. So why is this Bajablues? Because I was promised relaxation and peace and quiet and an easier life than what I had and I have had nothing but experiences from hell here. Yes, I live here. No I don't love like every visiting surfer or camper asks me. Sure It may be great for the 2 weeker or occasional 2 monther, who gets to go back to civilization, but I don't think this is Paradise and a lot of it has nothing to do with Baja itself but a lot does.